Her Story Proves How Powerful Trans Voices Can Be

OK, so I've been waiting for Her Story to come out for a while now.  Some trans media that actually features trans people in major roles, written by trans people and produced with trans people in mind.  Sign me up.  Being honest, I would have watched this if it sucked.  I would have watched it twice. 

It didn't suck.  It was great.  In fact, the more I think about this piece the more I'm impressed by it.

Her Story is a webseries that explores dating and love (as well as a host of things I'll get into in a moment) from a trans and queer perspective.  The characters are (mostly) balanced and real - anyone could see themselves through their eyes.  They are alternatively powerful and weak, just like anyone else.  In terms of character writing these people act more like actual people than I'm used to seeing any filmed media portrayal.  Their reactions and their motives are kind of amazingly honest, and I'll get into some non-spoilery (as I can be) examples on down in the article.  But I just want to be clear - this is almost perfect from the perspective of character.

Alright, being unemotional I can understand some critique in the first bit.  The first episode or so of the series takes a bit of time to get out of narrative ruts we're used to seeing.  There is a likeable open-minded character who doesn't know anything (like the supposed audience) about the subject matter of the piece, and we can tell that one of the themes from the beginning is going to be her education. We also have another character who seems that they'll be ignoring those lessons, and we're at a basic level rewarded by being right in both cases. 

But after things are set up, any hint that the writers are going to rely on worn tropes is gone, and there are two big things this series gets right by leaving those behind.  They're two big concepts that other films and series' struggle to convey in hours or seasons, and they're the reason I think this is an extraordinary work.  They're also the reason I think only a trans person could have written it.

Identity

Vi's character in general is a great example of the real kinds of characters this show produces.  She hesitates to take Allie up on her offer for the interview, and then she hesitates to follow through on her instinct that she's attracted to her.  She has these lines that the character thinks of as throwaway lines, but are justifying a path she's afraid to take.  "There's really no normal, " she tells Allie in her first interview when she's asked about sexuality.  She flirts with her throughout the subsequent episodes, she feels guilty about being around her when her 'keeper' is involved.  All while not letting herself decide to be with her for reasons she reveals to Allie and the audience right away.  "When I'm with a man I have no doubt about my womanhood…this whole time some part of my mind has been noting how much bigger my hands are [than yours]."  Around cis girls she doubts her own identity.

And that's a part of any character from any story.  That's what makes this show not just about trans people.  While it applies in the extreme with us, this kind of comparison as a motivation is rarely explored seriously in cis media, and this story even makes it clear that this isn't an experience that all trans women experience equally.  Paige doesn't seem to have any quips about how attractive she is, she doesn't for a second seem to think that anyone is clocking her, or she doesn't care.  Either way, she confidently believes that if she doesn’t disclose no one will know that about her.  Possibly as a result of her past, for Paige identity is not mostly how others see you, it's how you see yourself. 

Allie, however, experiences herself in reflection of Vi.  She wonders about her own identity as a specifically lesbian woman.  Does an attraction to Vi call into question her identity?  There are plenty of people around to advise her about her identity, some less helpful than others.  And that's another important theme that the series touches on, who gets to define your identity?  Allie's friends alternatively tell her that a lesbian can't be with a trans woman or that they can.  Paige and Bad Penny both offer the idea to Vi that she's not living authentically as they see her.  These pushes influence each of these women to reevaluate themselves, to change their assumptions.

It is all too rare to see questions of identity explored in media in an honest, heartfelt way like this, and I think it's one of the things that a trans writer can bring to the table more easily.  Whereas many people struggle with their own identity, for a lot of trans people (especially people who transition later) identity is a crisis that must be dealt with.  We've explored our identities up and down, often even having tried to deny who we are to ourselves.  So we're much more willing to explore the uncomfortable place that puts us in.  We're much more open to the possibility that we may not be finished understanding who we are.  And we can see, much more easily, where those questions and struggles are manifesting themselves in the lives of others. 

Agency

And a sense of identity that changes is important to the second big victory that this show scores.  Everyone in this show is responsible for themselves and judged by their own agency.  The moment that I became aware of this as a viewer was the scene directly preceding Vi's abuse.  A weaker film would have shown Vi being hit, maybe in shadow.  It would have shown her pleading with him and crying while he washed a bloody hand.  It would have taken every step to make her helpless and him an inhuman character of cruelty.  But those things make them both seem like they were preprogrammed for these actions, she was made weak and helpless by her past mistakes, he was driven mad and became a kind of beast.

Instead we saw something much more interesting.  The scene cut out and we see what happens next.  We have her tell a story of a time when she felt less in control, when the people who should have defended her mocked her.  We find her saying that she can handle these things herself.  We hear a defense of her abuser that doesn't just sound like the dumb obedient wife character, but rather the motivations of a woman who acknowledges it all in context.  We see him as someone with anger issues, but not someone who is a bestial villain.  When she leaves him a thank you note we don't read a sarcastic tone and we don't think her weak for having left it. 

In fact, most of the problems the characters experience are in the loss of agency.  Paige's big moment relates to her being outed without consent - what's important, though, is how she handles that.  She doesn't fold and drop the case, she doesn't try to deny anything, she doesn't threaten a lawsuit.  She goes and handles the problem by having honest conversations - even in the face of such a breach of trust she maintains composure.  And that seems to be Allie's breaking point with her friend Lisa who has been anything but sympathetic throughout the show.  Her biggest issue wasn't all of the crap things she said, it was taking Paige's agency, even if only for a moment.

Again we see a theme that could appear in any story.  For a lot of cis writers power is a zero sum game - there's a give and take in many stories, but it's usually just constant displays of dominance.  In this we can see that people never truly lose their power, that even in the face of betrayal and abuse we can be strong and willful.  As Vi reflects on her past in sex work she says "I never felt attractive before, but the money…it was proof I was worth something."  No one could call that her ideal situation, but she found power in it still. 

This is why we need trans art(ists)

And this is the real argument for including more variety in our storytelling.  It isn't about equality or making sure everyone has something that's built for them.  That's all fine and good, and a great side effect or whatever.  The thing about having trans people writing, directing or acting in your productions is that they are going to bring a different look at life with them.  They've seen things in an honest torn apart way that cis people never even have to consider.   This is the same argument for greater variety in all of our story telling.  You want racially diverse and socially diverse people involved in your companies and your art across the nation because they're going to see things in a new way, to make everyone think in a way that's novel and challenging. 

I think this is the best example I've witnessed of trans art telling a new story, and these are the kinds of stories we need as a nation.  They're great for the trans community, but I truly hope others get to see what kind of value there is in stories like these.

Trans Recognition

Sometimes I think one of the biggest things holding the trans community back from a comforting cultural cocoon for its people on par with something like church is a lack of recognition.  When a Catholic passes another Catholic on the street they may have religious symbols that make that easier to parse.  If it's Ash Wednesday, they're pretty sure that they have a member of their community right there.  If they need help finding the local deli, or a suggestion for the best restaurant in the area, they're going to ask the other Catholic, because there's this shared community that they share.  The same can be said of most religious groups in the Western world, marginalized racial groups, even certain hobbyist communities (gamers and musicians are pretty easy to pick out in a crowd).

It's hard to get that kind of thing for trans people, however.  We hide.  We say we're proud, and we mean it, but the fact is that society is a more than a little harsher on us than it is those other groups.  I imagine it is harder for Christians to find each other in Iran or China right now.  But that harsh reaction means that we do everything we can do to make sure no one notices that we're trans.  We stare in the mirror for hours picking over our most "masculine" (or feminine for you boys) features.  Features that we would never pick on in a cis person, and we often tell other trans people to settle down about.

It's all because we don't want people to assume.  I don't mind a conversation about being trans, I'll talk about it every day with almost anyone.  I don't mind people I know and love knowing.  But I get out-of-breath anxious when strangers can tell.  And I think that a major part of why I feel that way is related to the loneliness that comes from that public exposure.  I instantly feel like the only trans person for miles.  But when no one can tell I don't feel like the only woman for miles.  Or even the only masculine looking woman for miles.  But when I'm clearly trans I feel like an "other".

Every time I'm in a large crowd waiting for something, I start counting people.  I know a few studies have determined that trans people probably make up about 0.3% of the population, so if I count 300 people passing me or in the room with me I wonder if there's another trans person.  I wonder because I know I genuinely have no idea.  There could be a dozen other trans people.  Maybe a bunch of people haven't come out yet.  Maybe a bunch of people are stealth.  Every time I look for someone who I can recognize as trans and I hope that will make me feel less alone.

But it wouldn't, because I'm hiding, and they probably mean to be hiding too.  That's what I told myself when I chose not to sit next to that pretty trans girl on the plane the other day.  I would want to strike up a conversation about trans issues, and talk about her experience, and confide who I am.  She wanted to fly to Columbus without being harassed.  She didn't want another reminder that she's not quite passing as cis.  There were a dozen barriers between my ability, and her ability, to connect to another member of our community.

So we connect with each other online in the hopes that we can avoid that awkward "I can tell, but it's cool, because I'm like you" thing.  But that does leave us in an unbalanced state.  It makes it seem like we're alone when we're out there because I can't even usually tell that someone's trans to ask them for directions to something local, or to trust them with my story.  I have to pretend I can't tell when I can, to prevent hurting them, and I choose to not make myself obvious because I can't be sure there's anyone that would connect to that anyway.

This is just one more hurdle on our journey, but it's one that I hope trans pride in general can help to remove.  If we can get to a place where society isn't so annoyingly stupid about us we may be able to wear out trans identity on our sleeves a little more.  And now I'm imagining a world where trans people who want to talk about it wear one of these around their necks like Catholics wear their rosaries.  I kinda like it.

Caitlyn Jenner and Privilege

I feel like yelling at my screen.  People are being immensely frustrating.  Apparently, Caitlyn Jenner is the nexus of privilege. And I don't mean to pick on Megsy in that link, I've seen the opinion in plenty of places, but this particular video left steam coming out of my ears.

While most of the world is celebrating Miss Jenner and her various accomplishments in recent months, feminist and trans bloggers can't seem to decide how to feel.  We're all split up about how to judge the actions of this woman.  I mean, you know, is it okay that she looks cisnormatively sexy?  How about the fact that she had the money to pay for all these things?  Does she really deserve all this media attention?

Ugh.

I think it's easy to get upset and confused about how culture works.  Life is hard for the vast majority of trans people.  It's just this big challenge layer on top of all the other challenges that people face.  So, yeah, it can be a real pain, and the general media does a pretty piss poor job of covering that accurately. 

But I also don't think we need to get hung up on it.  Culture doesn't care what's fair, it cares about what's interesting to the most people at once.  Bruce Jenner had been a celebrity before, and after a major event in life Caitlyn Jenner is a huge celebrity.  Think about how the nerd world would explode if Nathan Fillion turned out to be gay, or some kind of perfect robot (which means they could build more of him).  It would turn communities on their heads, there would be a lot of discussion of it, he would get a lot bigger than he is today.

Caitlyn Jenner is getting a lot of attention for reasons close to that. People already knew her, or at least they thought they did.  But she's also making a big deal out it.  She had the Diane Sawyer interview, she had the Vanity Fair cover, she's doing a reality show.  The world didn't react to other "privileged" people the same way because they weren't told to.  Lana Wachowski and Martine Rothblatt are big names in their industries, but they didn't have a two month long hype fest leading up to their transitions.  They aren't celebrity personalities.

Caitlyn Jenner isn't being fawned over - she's putting herself out there.  She's saying, "hey, I've blended in for a long time now, but that's not me and I can't take it anymore."  A high percentage of trans people live in poverty and despair, but a higher percentage live a lie in the middle of cis culture.  Those are the people she's elevating. 

Janet Mock, in herarticle on Miss Jenner, said that she was hesitant to respond because Jenner didn't need to have more visibility, and that's what she focuses on.  People like Janet Mock and Laverne Cox fight openly and publicly about one of the most disenfranchised sectors of the already anathematic transgender population.  I'm not saying they don't need the most help, but that this stupid reality show and the pomp and praise surrounding her is helping a different group. 

Middle class, otherwise privileged trans people who are afraid of losing what they have if they transition could look to Caitlyn Jenner and say, "maybe I can do it, she's a lot like me."  I know, they're privileged, but greater acceptance of trans people will only come when just about everyone has a trans loved one - see: the gay community. 

I don't really want to talk about Jenner's physical appearance, or what it says about the trans community (hint: it's irrelevant), but as far as does she deserve this media attention?  Who freaking cares.  The most likely thing to come out of all this is that she will advance trans rights by being visible and open, and by starting the conversation.  It gets a lot harder to be a bigot when you have to say out loud, "I'm pretty much a bigot."  So hopefully those conversations will change some minds.

Nothing Like It

I've written poetry, short stories and blogs about this, but it's still something I can't help but think about.  There's nothing like being Transgender.  It's the most isolating thing, especially if you're a student of history and literature.  I'm used to being able to draw parallels between an historical or philosophical perspective on almost any subject.  But I don't think I can here.

I was trying to think of other unique experiences where someone would have a hard time explaining their state to others.  Simple concepts come up like color-blindness.  I just watched a +Life Noggin video about how this works, and at the end he asked "If you had to describe the color green to someone who was color blind, what would you say?"  This is a pretty normal way of asking this question, it assumes the listener is in the majority.  But the question that we have the burden of answering for the rest of the world is, "How would you explain what you see as Green, even though you know everyone else sees it differently?"

We're in the minority, we're this odd little club of people who have difficulty with such a basic, fundamental part of our identity.  Cis People have a really hard time explaining their gender, you can check out this video with the wonderful +Janet Mock if you doubt that.  That situation could be given to almost any Cis Person and they're going to give you the same response, "I just never even thought about it." 

That's not true about 'green' though.  Most people have been asked questions like the one Blocko asked.  And it's not true about sexual orientation.  People think about that.  Most people have a pretty good idea of what they're attracted to in the kinds of people they're attracted to.  They could (and frequently DO) give you lists.  They don't have to struggle to explain what they don't find attractive about people they don't want, they can just list it.

But they don't think about their gender.  They don't even have a second thought about it.  It would be like questioning their own eye color.  It's a basic component of who they are.  They don't think about the gender they're reflecting every day because it's never been an issue.  It's clear and easy. 

That is what, I think, brings trans people together.  We're the weird group of people that do question that.  And when we question it we find flaws, we find incongruity between our expression, or at least our expectations, and the gender we were told we belonged to.  I don't know that I've ran into a lot of trans stories where the person doesn't give a decent amount of thought to the subject of gender, even after transition.  There's always an element of it that is oddly self-aware.

But maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe there is some other community that has to give that much thought to a central identifying factor in their lives.  Fill me in if you think of something, but for now I'm going to wonder what that means for us - where that puts us in the grand scheme of things.  

Why Is Being Trans So Damn Hard?

I don't get it.  I can't explain it.  It just hurts ALL THE DAMN TIME.

Why?  Why should something so simple as my gender expression just freaking kill me?  It can range from that dull thinking about it every time a gendered word is used around me to this intense hatred of my own flesh.  All of this because people don't say "her" when referring to me?  Argh!  That seems so trivial! 

But it isn't.  It just isn't honest.  And I think that's the crux.  Because let me be clear, dear readers, I'm pre-transition.  You probably guessed that when I didn't post a picture.  That blue peg person on a blue background says nothing about what I look like, and there's only one reason I would do that - I don't want you to see it.  I'm not started yet, but I'm years and years into being aware of being trans.  So, with extremely few exceptions, no one around me knows.  It's this seething horrible secret. 

And that's probably what hurts most right now, the secret.  The not telling.  This whole part of me, this part that eats up my thoughts and emotions, this section of my mindset that is as persistent as it is for anyone else is just false.  Being constantly misgendered and misunderstood by everyone.  Constantly wondering what they'll do or say when they know.

Every time I'm around people in that last few months all I can think about is how they'll react.  What will they say?  Will they reject me out of hand?  Will they just refuse to acknowledge the change and keep referring to me as they always have?  Will they laugh?  Will I ever be able to relax around the people I've grown up around?  Probably not.  I'll probably be thinking that they're thinking about my gender even when they aren't.  Because that's how it goes.

I'm so tired.  Just tired of being worried about it.  Soon I'll rip off the band-aid and take off the mask and deal with the consequences.  I have to.  Because the pain of hiding is only eclipsed by the pain of not being myself.  And it's the most bizarre kind of mental pain because it only gets worse as everything else gets better.  It's almost like I become more worried about losing it all when I have more to lose.  No, it's exactly like that. 

Here's hoping I don't lose it all.  

(Sorry the personal and depressing post, I swear I'll get back to philosophy and history soon.)

You Know What? Trans People ARE Amazing

If you're not following the +MyGenderation youtube channel you should be.  They have some inspiringly smart people posting videos to that channel every day, and the need for daily uploads has caused them to do some real soul searching to produce videos.  The results have been pretty great.

But the video for today really caught me.  +Jen Kitney, one of their regular content creators posted a video about how the world perceives trans women as a joke.  I have it linked below.  You should watch it before you go reading the rest of this.

So, as I started watching that I felt like she was spending too much time on her point, repeating the word "joke" a bit too much.  I'm not sure I feel that way anymore.  It felt like she was droning on, repeating herself, not making a new point.  And that WAS the point.  Because that's a lot of what the outside world has been doing for years.  Painting us as funny, as a mockery, and just doing it over and over.  We're used as punctuation for titillation, we're called out as girly (like that's an insult) or fake.  Men dress like women on TV for an easy laugh, so people just make our lives into that.

But Jen's right, and I don't spend enough time thinking about this, we're freaking amazing.  Seriously.  Most people have this whole section of their persona that they can just move on and live with, but we have to construct it, very carefully, just to live something along the lines of a normal life.  We have so many steps to take before the answer to "how are you" is honestly, "I'm good." 

Defining ourselves is something that takes conscious effort and time, research and medicine, perseverance and hope.  We don't have literature or history to provide us much context, most of us don't know a bunch of trans people in our home town, a lot of us have to fight our own families just to succeed.  And yet, we accomplish as much as trans people.  We're major musicians, CEO's, inventors, mothers, fathers, leaders and workers, just like everyone else.  And they've had to clear none of the hurdles we have to get there.

We're a wonder, a great example of what the modern world can accomplish.  We're the people other people should look up to for accomplishing so much through so much adversity in an environment that would have otherwise been very easy to get along in.  And we're not asking for sympathy, just integration, we're asking to be able to be ourselves without someone finding our grand accomplishments somehow laughable. 

Thanks +Jen Kitney for reminding me and all of us how amazing trans people are - I think the complexity of our situation occasionally just clouds that for us.  

Trans Role Models - Martine Rothblatt

OK, so in my first blog post I talked about how few historical figures there are for trans people, how alone we seem in the grand scheme of the universe.  I still think we lack the historical context I would like, and I'm going to be embarking on some research into that sector, but one thing is for sure: we have some amazing people to look to today.  I was reminded of that when I saw Martine Rothblatt's TED talk today.

Martine Rothblatt is the most financially successful trans person that I'm aware of, and she is the highest paid female CEO in the United States.   She started Sirius Radio and has a number of companies that she's responsible for.  Honestly, we could stop there and see how being trans doesn't actually hold us back from achieving big big things, but we don't have to. 

As she discusses in her TED talk she was able to start a whole medical company to help people with orphaned diseases, starting with her ailing daughter.  That's something that I think a trans person is specifically well suited for.  There aren't a lot of us, and we feel that weight sometimes, but I only imagine how that must feel for people with other disorders that only affect a small number of people.  That lonely feeling I talked about before has to be even greater when there's not even a culture around your disorder; it's just you and then "normal" people.

I can't imagine that that didn't resonate with her, but it's her quality as a parent that really got the whole thing rolling.  It's her quality as a spouse that led her to putting together a mental "file" of oneself that could live on.  It's her quality as an inventor that led to the creation of satellite radio.  Being trans has been formative, I'm sure, but it's only been a bump on her journey.

We don't have to be defined by our "transness" and I don't think there are a lot of people who prove that more thoroughly.  Food for thought as we feel alone, being trans is only a small part of us, it's just the part we have to focus on harder than we would like for a while.