Trans Recognition

Sometimes I think one of the biggest things holding the trans community back from a comforting cultural cocoon for its people on par with something like church is a lack of recognition.  When a Catholic passes another Catholic on the street they may have religious symbols that make that easier to parse.  If it's Ash Wednesday, they're pretty sure that they have a member of their community right there.  If they need help finding the local deli, or a suggestion for the best restaurant in the area, they're going to ask the other Catholic, because there's this shared community that they share.  The same can be said of most religious groups in the Western world, marginalized racial groups, even certain hobbyist communities (gamers and musicians are pretty easy to pick out in a crowd).

It's hard to get that kind of thing for trans people, however.  We hide.  We say we're proud, and we mean it, but the fact is that society is a more than a little harsher on us than it is those other groups.  I imagine it is harder for Christians to find each other in Iran or China right now.  But that harsh reaction means that we do everything we can do to make sure no one notices that we're trans.  We stare in the mirror for hours picking over our most "masculine" (or feminine for you boys) features.  Features that we would never pick on in a cis person, and we often tell other trans people to settle down about.

It's all because we don't want people to assume.  I don't mind a conversation about being trans, I'll talk about it every day with almost anyone.  I don't mind people I know and love knowing.  But I get out-of-breath anxious when strangers can tell.  And I think that a major part of why I feel that way is related to the loneliness that comes from that public exposure.  I instantly feel like the only trans person for miles.  But when no one can tell I don't feel like the only woman for miles.  Or even the only masculine looking woman for miles.  But when I'm clearly trans I feel like an "other".

Every time I'm in a large crowd waiting for something, I start counting people.  I know a few studies have determined that trans people probably make up about 0.3% of the population, so if I count 300 people passing me or in the room with me I wonder if there's another trans person.  I wonder because I know I genuinely have no idea.  There could be a dozen other trans people.  Maybe a bunch of people haven't come out yet.  Maybe a bunch of people are stealth.  Every time I look for someone who I can recognize as trans and I hope that will make me feel less alone.

But it wouldn't, because I'm hiding, and they probably mean to be hiding too.  That's what I told myself when I chose not to sit next to that pretty trans girl on the plane the other day.  I would want to strike up a conversation about trans issues, and talk about her experience, and confide who I am.  She wanted to fly to Columbus without being harassed.  She didn't want another reminder that she's not quite passing as cis.  There were a dozen barriers between my ability, and her ability, to connect to another member of our community.

So we connect with each other online in the hopes that we can avoid that awkward "I can tell, but it's cool, because I'm like you" thing.  But that does leave us in an unbalanced state.  It makes it seem like we're alone when we're out there because I can't even usually tell that someone's trans to ask them for directions to something local, or to trust them with my story.  I have to pretend I can't tell when I can, to prevent hurting them, and I choose to not make myself obvious because I can't be sure there's anyone that would connect to that anyway.

This is just one more hurdle on our journey, but it's one that I hope trans pride in general can help to remove.  If we can get to a place where society isn't so annoyingly stupid about us we may be able to wear out trans identity on our sleeves a little more.  And now I'm imagining a world where trans people who want to talk about it wear one of these around their necks like Catholics wear their rosaries.  I kinda like it.