Why Is Being Trans So Damn Hard?

I don't get it.  I can't explain it.  It just hurts ALL THE DAMN TIME.

Why?  Why should something so simple as my gender expression just freaking kill me?  It can range from that dull thinking about it every time a gendered word is used around me to this intense hatred of my own flesh.  All of this because people don't say "her" when referring to me?  Argh!  That seems so trivial! 

But it isn't.  It just isn't honest.  And I think that's the crux.  Because let me be clear, dear readers, I'm pre-transition.  You probably guessed that when I didn't post a picture.  That blue peg person on a blue background says nothing about what I look like, and there's only one reason I would do that - I don't want you to see it.  I'm not started yet, but I'm years and years into being aware of being trans.  So, with extremely few exceptions, no one around me knows.  It's this seething horrible secret. 

And that's probably what hurts most right now, the secret.  The not telling.  This whole part of me, this part that eats up my thoughts and emotions, this section of my mindset that is as persistent as it is for anyone else is just false.  Being constantly misgendered and misunderstood by everyone.  Constantly wondering what they'll do or say when they know.

Every time I'm around people in that last few months all I can think about is how they'll react.  What will they say?  Will they reject me out of hand?  Will they just refuse to acknowledge the change and keep referring to me as they always have?  Will they laugh?  Will I ever be able to relax around the people I've grown up around?  Probably not.  I'll probably be thinking that they're thinking about my gender even when they aren't.  Because that's how it goes.

I'm so tired.  Just tired of being worried about it.  Soon I'll rip off the band-aid and take off the mask and deal with the consequences.  I have to.  Because the pain of hiding is only eclipsed by the pain of not being myself.  And it's the most bizarre kind of mental pain because it only gets worse as everything else gets better.  It's almost like I become more worried about losing it all when I have more to lose.  No, it's exactly like that. 

Here's hoping I don't lose it all.  

(Sorry the personal and depressing post, I swear I'll get back to philosophy and history soon.)